JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent
work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far
away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing
to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical
stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three
seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan
and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for
the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job
is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent. When you
die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for
life if you play your cards right.