The Ultimate Viola Joke Collection
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1. The viola burns longer
2. You can tune the violin
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo"
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside
What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison
What's the definition of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim
Why do violists stand for long periods of time outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking spaces
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get a little respect
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them
Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they are missing
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk
How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
1. Sit in the back and don't play
2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions
2. Who cares?
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first?
The conductor. Business before pleasure
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music minus one
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed
What is the range of a viola?
As far as you can kick it
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They are both offensive and inaccurate
Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large;
just that the viola players' heads are so small
What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
1. If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for: a good viola player, a bad viola player, or an oasis?
The bad viola player---The other two are only figments of your imagination
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least two more
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
1. half a measure
2. a semi-tone
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development
that all extraneous noise is eliminated
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one
Why is a viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it