I am not an expert on eating disorders, rather a Mexican/American woman who has struggled with her body image in a racist, sexist society. In this article I will attempt to explain the effect of an eating disorder from the intersection of racism, sexual silence and sexism on my body. The reason I wrote this personal account is because there is very little information available about the effects of racism and sexism on women of color in terms of their own body image.
I am no different than many other Latinas, whose families and culture endorse sexual silence: the unwillingness to discuss sex, a young woman's changing body or relationships. At puberty, my period came with great personal disgust and my father distancing himself from me. I did not understand why my body was changing or why people, especially those I loved, were reacting differently to my body. I began gaining weight after puberty, which my family noticed and as a result, I started dieting. I had always been very physically active, but at this time began exercising to lose weight.
As a young lady I did not know how to integrate the conflicting messages from my own body and those I was receiving from my family. My hormones were raging like a fire with wind; I was curious about boys, but was not allowed to talk about boys or to date and was verbally discouraged from entering a relationship. At the same time I was being told to remain a virgin until I got married, I was being told to not to think about getting married, because marriages are very painful and too much work. My family's silence was an attempt to suppress my sexuality so that they would not have to question or explain their own sexual beliefs and relationships.
Maybe if they didn't discuss sex or sexuality with me, I wouldn't notice those innate feelings within myself and they would go away, but that didn't happen. Instead, I would eat large quantities of food to make them angry. I wanted for someone to look at my body and to explain what was happening. I ate in response to their sexual silence. Perhaps the reason they did not want me to gain weight was so that they would not have to see my body change into that of a woman. Yet, I was gaining weight in an attempt to receive a response. As a result, I became a little overweight - nothing extreme - but with a very negative body image and I was using food as tool for attention. If you think you might need help with an eating disorder, take this short quiz.
At the same time that we did not discuss my changing sexuality, we did dialogue about racism. I was encouraged to defend myself against racist comments by speaking up. Physical confrontations were acceptable as long as I was defending myself and did not start the fight. So, at the same time that I was being socially attacked because of the color of my skin and my Mexican culture, my body was changing into a socially unacceptable standard, fat. I have found that any weight on a woman's body which distinguishes her from an adolescent boy, in the American culture is considered to be fat. As a result, I hated high school, did not like being a woman, felt fat, was dieting, did not look like the popular girls at school (who were white and skinny), was very angry and had a dysfunctional body image. I found the linked information useful in validating that as a Mexican/American, I am the "other" woman and it does effect my body image.
After graduating from high school, I was accepted into a pipefitter apprenticeship, which is when my eating disorder came to a full upheaval. Even though my family did not talk about my own sexuality in a positive manner, I was encouraged to be as much of an individual as possible (this also created a paradox because the Mexican culture is very family oriented). So, I naturally sought out physical type work. You see, my parents, not wanting to raise me like a "traditional" Mexican woman, chose to raise me exploring more nontraditional roles. I was encouraged to work with tools and to be mechanically inclined. I thought this was normal for a woman. I also saw my older sister working with her mechanical abilities. The problem was at work. The supervisors I was working for were not ready for an assertive, competent Mexican woman as a pipefitter.
As a result, I could no longer function. I was now being rejected, after my own family rejected my womanhood, for the only true thing I had been praised for, my ability to work. I was going through severe cycles of bingeing, dieting and exercising. I didn't understand all of the conflicting social messages and my body image was extremely distorted. I was on a path of self-destruction and had become sexually promiscuous.
Fortunately I was able to reach out for help and did find a good therapist. I've actually gone through several years of therapy to learn how to have a positive body image. One of the most important things I did for myself, other than finding a therapist, was to stop watching television or looking at magazines that have pictures of women. I found that television and magazines hide a form of racism and sexism that greatly effected my body image. Women are always being displayed as sexual objects (sexism), and the ideal woman is a white woman (racism). To this day, I limit my exposure to popular media, because I know that it effects my body image in a negative manner, even after a short exposure. There is a study, Media Effects on Eating Disorders, which validates that as women we are effected by unattainable, unrealistic body images.
I took the time to write my own personal account of how my particular eating disorder manifested so that other women, who do not fit into the typical causes of eating disorders can look within themselves to find the answer. Please reach out for help; the underlying social causes of eating disorders are too overwhelming to unravel on your own. Even after an adult lifetime with the disorder and therapy, I still find myself wanting to purge when overcome by stress, especially stress caused by sexism. After writing or analyzing my own disorder, I usually wake up in a cold sweat, feeling nauseous and wanting to vomit. I've learned to have compassion for myself and to accept the surfacing of my disorder as symbol of the pain I have endured.
Eating Disorder Resources-Organizations
International Journal of Eating Disorders
Concerned Counseling Inc. has counseling available online and an e-mail newsletter.
To tell your own story, which I find very therapeutic, to read the story of others or to read a short history of the beginnings of eating disorders, check out Eating Disorders in a Disordered Culture.
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This web page was developed by Virginia Barraza to fulfill a requirement of the class CHI 21: Health Issues in the Chicano/Latino Community taught by Seline Szkupinski Quiroga in the Chicana & Chicano Studies Program at the University of California at Davis, Fall 1998. |