Oh Those Engineers...

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. 

* Postulate 1: Knowledge = Power. 
* Postulate 2: Time = Money. 
* As every engineer knows, 
* Work/Time = Power 
* Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have 
* Work/Money = Knowledge 
* Solving for Money, we get: 
* Work/Knowledge = Money 
* Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. 
* Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make. 

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books 

Blind Hope 

Elephant Jokes 

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress ? 
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you. 

Q: Why do elephants drink too much ? 
A: To try to forget. 

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant ? 
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course. 

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant ? 
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he gets blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. 

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant ? 
A: Tell him a dirty joke, so he gets red. Then you strangle him until he gets blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. 

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant ? 
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant ?!!! 

PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS 

What is... 

If Operating Systems Drove your Car 

Top ten reasons why boyfriends,girlfriends are better than computers: 

How to get a hacker to bed

* How about a little time sharing? 
* Would you like to try a manual entry? 
* My response time is shorter than an ELF. 
* I run on AC or DC. 
* I'll trade you my software for your hardware. 
* I'm a member of Aslib. 
* Want to try my back-up equipment? 
* How about a digital search? 
* Boot my system. 
* I need my cards punched. 
* Mind if I run a cylinder scan on you? 
* Wanna see my dedicated port? 
* You can have direct access if you want. 
* How about a flip-flop? 
* Are you interested in gang-punching? 
* Like to see my head rotor? 
* Let me try your joystick. 
* Kiss my system! 
* You'll always be LILO in my system. 
* It's time to log in. 
* Massage my input. 
* Wanna twiddle my mouse? 
* I've also got a slow mode. 
* I'm programmed for parallel processing. 
* I'm into RAM. 
* Let's advance the state of the art. 
* Like some digital timesharing of my TTS? 

Computers are male, compilers are female

Here's the quid pro quo: 
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
10. Picky, picky, picky. 
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 
8. Beauty is only shell deep. 
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". 
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. 
4. Smalltalk is important. 
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. 
2. They make you take the garbage out. 
1. Miss a period and they go wild 

A Letter From Your Computer 

But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. 

Yes Master! I'll balance your checkbook. 

Yes, Master! I'll run your silly program. 

Don't get me wrong....I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming in the diskette, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards? 

I know computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! 

So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and 

.......and....... 

What? 

Ok.......well..........will you at least think about it? 

:) Your Computer (: 

Too Stupid 

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or just Scare the Bejeezus out of People in the Computer Lab 

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire pape this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil. Note: Tesla Coil - an air-core transformer used to produce high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.

Smileys 

Cool Ones

If you love someone
*Go get it (Visa power)

Want to propose to a girl
just do it. (Nike)

Before going to propose to a girl
*Believe in the best (BPL)

Not satisfied with your dates
*Yeh dil mangey more (Pepsi)

If you are going to propose to a girl, chances are..
*50-50 (Britannia)

Those who succeed in love always say
*We dream b'coz we do (Daewoo)

A guy having a no. of girl friends
*Complete Man (Raymonds)

A smart girl having a no. of boy friends
*Yeh hai hamara suraksa chakra (Colgate)

If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
*Take it easy (Limca)

If you get married to a girl of your mother's
choice..........
*Jiyo merey lal (Brook bond)

  ROMANCE MATHEMATICS 

   Smart man + smart woman = romance 
   Smart man + dumb woman = affair 
   Dumb man + smart woman = marriage 
   Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 

   OFFICE ARITHMETIC 

   Smart boss + smart employee = profit 
   Smart boss + dumb employee = production 
   Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion 
   Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime 
 

   HAPPINESS 

   To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love 
   him little. 
   To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to 
   understand her at all. 
 

   PROPENSITY TO CHANGE 

   A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she 
   does. 

   SHOPPING MATH 

   A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 
   A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. 
 

   You know you are Indian when......
    
    * When you tell your parents you got 98% marks in an exam, and they ask you what happened to the other two percent.
    * You make tea in a saucepan.
    * You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.
    * You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
    *You have a 'Singer' sewing machine at home.
    * Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
    * You hide everything from your parents.
    * Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
    * You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
    * Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
    * Everyone is a family friend.
    * You were not that intelligent so you studied  computer science or business instead.
    * You know no one who has studied music.
    * You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
    * You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
    * You only make telephone calls after 6:30 PM.
    * You like the meat well done.
    * You eat onions with everything.
    * You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
    * You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
    * You say you hate Indian films (/songs) but secretly watch (/hear) them with your parents.
    * You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
    * You order Indian food in English language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.
    * You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex.
    * You secure your baggage with a rope.
    * You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all possible members of your family who have come to pick you up.
    * You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage, which is just 80 lbs. overweight.
    * You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.
    * You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles just to go to school.
    * You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go.
    * In addition to cooking, you also use oil as a grooming aid.
    * You have annoying nicknames.
    * Your mother measures wealth only in gold and diamonds.
    * Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try to demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
    * Your  parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.
    * No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.
    * Your parents worry what other people will think if you're not going to be a doctor or engineer.