MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream - this would
wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try
to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m., begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song
you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing those
until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and
an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package
of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be
wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training
and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all
the answers.